Dear friend
I am not worthy. That's what life is trying to teach me, isn't it? I can't see any other conclusion. Any time I get close to someone, I fuck it up. It happens time and time again, and at this point I guess I've learned my lesson.
I've learned now to never get close to anyone again. Don't show them what a shitty person I am. There is a line between what is safe and expected of friends, versus what is asking too much of them. I've overstepped that line so much I'm starting to believe that I just don't deserve friends at all. Who would want to be friends with… this? This walking dumpster fire of a human being who, only now in their 30s, understands what a goddamn mess they are.
You'd expect the habitual and pathological shortcomings to be inherent in a child or a teenager, not an adult. Not unless that adult were deeply damaged and has been for the past 20 years. Hello, it's me.
My friendships get too intense, too fast, and too far. It makes me act in extreme ways I wouldn't otherwise. I can't seem to help it. I try, god knows I do - but evidently, I cannot seem to figure any of this out. Having been abandoned no less than 15 times - 90% of those times being through my own action or inaction - there is only one conclusion: I am the problem, I have always been the problem, and apparently I always will be the problem.
I get it, universe. I do not deserve compassion, you have made that abundantly clear. You've made your point. So you know what? Fine. I won't try anymore. I won't let myself get close to anyone else again. Everyone can stay at arm's length and I will not let people get any closer. That way lies only heartbreak.
And I'd rather learn to deal with the chronic loneliness as a result, than to suffer one more agonising loss.