Dear friend
It's getting bad again, and I genuinely don't know if I can keep doing this. I thought I had it all figured out, and I was ready to change my life. That is, after all, why I went back to uni.
You pushed me to do it. And I didn't want to be a failure in your eyes, nor in mine. So I took your advice. I went back. For a moment, you believed in me. Someone believed in me… and that gave me the confidence I needed to believe in myself.
And now all that momentum has stopped. What was previously so certain and a source of determination has become nothing but an overbearing fear, all over again. Just like last time. Except this time I'm more alone than ever and I scarcely have anyone to even say the words “I'm proud of you. You're doing good. Keep going.” When my biggest supporters, the people I love, are the people who can't stomach being around me anymore, how am I supposed to still feel that confidence?
What do you mean I should be proud of myself? Why would I be proud of someone who has completely unravelled for the past 6 months? A straight-A student who got high 90s and a 100 in first year, to dip to 60s this year followed by insurmountable missed deadlines and extensions that I haven't the drive to meet? I'm seriously at a loss. I don't know what to do anymore.
I thought I had it in me to do this. This was supposed to be my time. My redemption arc. My growth.
It's crazy how all of that can be undone with little more than “I wish you well.”