Dear friend
This post is not meant to name or ostracise you. Rather the opposite.
Let me own my biggest mistake: I took you for granted. I failed to be there for you, and I failed to show my true appreciation for you and everything you do, and for that I am deeply sorry. I want you to know that - if nothing else - I have always thought of you as a wonderful human being and I am blessed to have been a part of your life at all, even though I am not currently in it.
I think about you often. I think about all the opportunities I had to show my support and appreciation and just didn't. During our final conversation, I responded from a place of panic and insecurity - desperate to hold on to the thread - instead of meeting you where you were and answering with genuine honesty. I do not wish that to be our goodbye. Not now, not like this.
There are many things I have learned about myself in the months since, things I have realised about our friendship, and things I realise about how I treated you, that about which I wish I could speak with you now. Words that, looking back, I wish I knew how to formulate at the time. I regret not knowing how to speak truly when it mattered most. Perhaps the healthiest thing to do is to sit with that feeling. Perhaps then, some clarity will follow.
You unambiguously removed me from your life, there is no doubt. I have no control over that, nor am I asking for control over that. What you must do to protect your own well-being is valid and I have no right to impose. But maybe what I can do instead is take a moment to appreciate all that you are.
When we first met, I was in a very different place to where I am now. But you are among the few people who stuck with me while I figured out how to participate in the game of life. While you yourself have grown beyond measure, of which I am extremely proud and even a little awestruck, I mostly stagnated in spite of your best efforts. You did nothing but show me your love and support, and it is only in hindsight that I recognise how draining that must have been for you for me to not match that.
Everything you've ever taught me, however, I hold with me. Years of advice and lessons have begun to resurface, and I no longer ignore one iota of what you shared. I understand that, when we were closer, I essentially used you as a trauma dumping ground in the hopes you'd show me some compassion. Only now, however, does your advice make sense and is slowly integrating into my life. I am a slow learner, of that there is no doubt, but I do learn.
I have watched you become someone so much stronger, smarter, wiser, and freer, than when we first met. Not to imply you weren't these things before - you absolutely were. But seeing who you are now, I have to be honest, makes me jealous. To put it bluntly, and maybe this is a bit unhealthy, but I look up to you as a role model. You embody everything I wish to be and always have done.
I never showed it, but I appreciated you from the moment we met. I still do. You matter to me more than I ever knew how to show.
I'm sorry. Thank you for all that you did.