Dear friend
I was an inquisitive child. So much so that I had a unique ability to drive my parents particularly insane. I remember once asking why it is that - during summer - the sun seems to set 2 or 3 hours later, despite the clocks only going forward 1 hour. I would then proceed to ask “why” for every answer they gave me.
This would go on for hours.
It's in my nature, I think. I am not one to accept that things just are the way they are. I like to learn the mechanics behind it, and truly understand the world around me as best as I possibly can.
Why am I stuck in my room? Well, because I'm grounded.
Why am I grounded? Because I was misbehaving.
Why was it deemed as misbehaviour? Well, because “I said so” - and that's where most parents would surrender any ability to speak to their children like human beings; claiming ultimate authority on the matter.
Not me though. I would ask “why” to everything. I strictly remember it not as a tactic to annoy anybody either. I just was, and still am, a very inquisitive person. Explain things to me. Explain as much as you can. I want to understand it all.
Perhaps it should come as no surprise, then, that I ran with the assumption of my feelings being attributed to a personality disorder. I'm not saying I 100% have Borderline Personality Disorder, nor do I 100% accept what you said about me having Bipolar. Both make sense, in their own way. I relate to both so strongly and intensely. I never spoke about it with you, but BPD is something I've very closely related with ever since I learned about it from you. It answers every single question I've ever had about myself throughout my entire life. However at the same time, you were right in your judgement call that it could be Bipolar, too.
The difficult thing about mental health is that so many of these disorders and conditions exhibit strikingly similar symptoms, while simultaneously presenting themselves so differently in each patient. After all, this is why we should not self-diagnose. Something like this can - and should - be left to the professionals who have dedicated their lives to understanding this sort of thing. It's 3 weeks until my secondary care assessment. When the time comes, I will have the answer to why - why I've been feeling the way I do, and why I'm unable to keep myself in control in times of crisis.
But there's a few questions I'll be asking myself for the rest of my life.
Why did I behave the way I did? Why did I let it get so bad? Why did I do the things I did to push you away, when the last thing I wanted was to lose you, or lose anybody?
I'll never know why.