Dear friend
Remember how I said I wanted to stop using this blog as a place to spew out my raw thought processes?
Spoiler alert: That still holds.
Well, okay. This is obviously a place to spew my thoughts out to anyone who gives a shit, but I said wanted to start using this place as a healthy expression, with heartfelt content, rather than a “boohoo woe is me” type of deal.
Yesterday was the day we met, 7 years ago. I don't know if you remembered, but I did. I've had it on my calendar for years - and it still lives there today. Last night was, in truth, particularly rough; it dawned on me it was our friendaversary and yet I couldn't share it with you. I sincerely hope you are well.
Today, my therapist gave me a hard time. Not in a negative way, of course - she is a professional and would never say things to intentionally hurt my feelings. But seeing as I pay for callout hour, I got callout hour. She gave me some hard truths, and said some things that… to be honest… kinda broke me. She apologised for emotionally draining me today, but I know she said these things because they are in my best interest.
Given all of that, and the things we spoke about, I'm taking the time to a write a post that is not for me, but rather for you. I'd like to take a moment to express my gratitude for all that you have done for me over the years.
I'd like to thank you for helping me with my wardrobe. You gave me a sense of fashion I never had before, and you always know the best clothes to complement my appearance and style. You helped me gain confidence by getting me out of those baggy jeans, deadweight shoes, and that god-forsaken beanie I never took off.
Thank you for encouraging me to spend more time with other friends. People in my life that I had completely shut off and forgotten about, for reasons I still don't understand. You helped me to rekindle time spent with guy friends that I never knew I missed.
Thank you for pushing me to do things I would never have done on my own. My dating app profile, talking with strangers, talking to the doctor, talking with my mother. Even though it may feel like it's too late for you, all of your advice finally sunk in for me. It took me a long time, but I finally got there.
Thank you for putting up with me, and always wanting to spend time together. Be it drives to the beach, or food, or a movie, or a theme park, or a vacation to Scotland. I would give anything to have these times back, they are some of my most cherished memories.
Thank you for always being there. You were there when I had broken up with my ex, when I was battling to keep my cat Nala, and the night I lost my grandfather. You supported me, and kept me afloat, when I needed it the most. You always know exactly what to say to cheer me up, and I know I took advantage of your kind-hearted nature. For that I am - as I hope you know - truly sorry.
Thank you for being in my life. I'd like to think this time apart is not permanent. But all the same, you transformed me. Before I met you, I was a recluse - barely stepping outside because I'd rather have been on my own. And then, by pure chance, you entered my life. You chose to stick around, and share so much with me as I shared so much with you.
These past few months have made me realise, my (positive) transformation was because of you. As I sit here right now, feeling more lonely than ever, I've come to a realisation that you are the reason I got out of my shell. You made me a more interesting person. You got me to do things I would never have the balls to do on my own. You got me to go places I never would have gone by myself. You helped me to find a sense of meaning in my life, whether directly or indirectly. And that is a debt I can never repay.
Thank you for being the best friend I've ever had.