Dear friend
In 2012, I wrote a blog post in which I talked about entering a new chapter of my life. I had just graduated college and was about to begin my journey as a freshman uni student. Of course at the time, I didn't know I'd be dropping out for personal reasons. However, I did meet some fun people and I learned a few things. After I dropped out, I always told myself I'd go back eventually - and I was right. I did.
But this time is different. I'm not studying Computer Games Development at an HND level, I'm studying Computer Science at a Bachelor's level. An additional challenge I gave myself to widen my doors and give me more opportunities in future. The material is not as fun and engaging as games, for obvious reasons, but it's still interesting and I can honestly say that only having completed first year and just starting the second, I have learned quite a few new things and the challenge is - so far - worth it.
The first time I went to university, it felt more like an educational checklist. Go to school, go to college, go to uni, this is the “normal path” and it's one I found myself following blindly without any real sense of direction. As a result, I did poorly. My school grades leave much to be desired, my college grades could have been better, and of course I dropped out of uni when I realised I wasn't entirely ready for it.
But this time is different. I returned to university with intent, with purpose, with a goal in mind: to course-correct everything. To seize the opportunity of learning, getting a degree, and giving me better chances at finding the job I want. Motivation I could only have gained from taking such an extended sabbatical, I know now what I must do to succeed - and I am determined to give it my absolute best. The end result will be worth it.
But it's not all good news.
I started university in 2012 with my then-girlfriend and then-best friend. That made my first few days significantly easier; they could show me around, we could grab food at shared lunch hours, and we'd catch the train to and from campus each day. The fear of starting a new degree at a new place with which I was unfamiliar was lessened in knowing that I had my people there with me. I'm sure you know that a new place is far less frightening when you go there with someone you trust - someone to tell you that you'll be okay and you'll have the strength to figure it out. Then of course once you make new friends in your class and meet people with common interests, that fear vanishes entirely.
But this time is different. I'm returning the same campus, this time on my own - and I don't have anyone I know with whom I can meet during lunch hours. Which in itself presents a whole new fear! While the first time around I was scared that I'd be lost - but know I'd be okay because I knew people - this time… the opposite is true. I now know the area, I know the campus, I know where the rooms are and I know where I can get a decent cup of coffee but I know literally no one. The person who was my girlfriend at the time, is no longer my girlfriend nor has been for many years. My then-best friend? We don't speak anymore (much to my chagrin). The friends I made last time at uni obviously all graduated and have moved on with their lives. I can't even really make friends with classmates; most of them are fresh out of college and are in their very early 20s, some even as low as 18. As a 32 year old, I can't exactly connect with anyone my age. While I am at university with a very clearly defined and mature mindset (I am there to learn and graduate, of course), an entire vibe is missing - the stereotypical “student” vibe.
The last time I was a student, I could catch the train home with my partner or my friend to a house share filled with other people my age where we'd drink and play games together most nights.
Now? I come home to worry about how much longer I'm going to be paying off my car finance and wondering when I'll have time to go the pharmacy the next day. The world moved on and those I knew in my situation went ahead and continued life without me. Now here I am, over a decade later on attempt #2, feeling a vacuous abyss in what should be one of the most liberating and exciting time of someone's life - the years we spend as students.
I'm lacking an entire social aspect of university; the part that makes it fun, the part where you and your friends grow together and progress together, the shared adventure. That shared adventure has now been erased.
It's like returning to a beach you once visited with your ex, or moving away from your hometown and visiting it years later after all your family has also moved, or watching a movie on your own that you and your best friend watched at 2am one night and laughed while eating pizza. You are essentially rewriting your final memory of those places and events. What was previously carefree and exciting, now becomes nothing more than wistful nostalgia and a lasting impression of “I wish I could relive those days”. Those days were only good because of the people with whom you shared them.
Returning to uni has been a double-edged sword for me. I could sit here all day and tell you about the ways in which I will not give up this time. I will work through the tough days, I will finish my assignments, and I will fight hard for a degree that I deserve. Perhaps it is for the best, as it means I'll focus more on studying every day than planning the next drinks night with housemates. Maybe this focus is exactly what I needed in order to make graduating even possible. So I'm back at university, and I'm staying in university for good this time.
But this time… this time is different.