Dear friend
I've struggled with mental health issues since my teenage years. It has been a constant uphill battle, ever-fighting against the torrent of stress and anxiety and depression; for the longest time, I did not fear death.
Instead, I saw it as a release. An escape from the injustices and pain, the heartbreak and sorrow. As an atheist, I have always acknowledged that my life is ephemeral - but at least when I'm gone, the pain will be too.
But in the past year or so, things have been different. I've noticed a shift in how I see the world and my place within it. Though I've always acknowledged the fleeting nature of existence, it's only recently that I've begun to appreciate the fact that - one day - my story will end. It's as if a switch flipped in my brain, now making me lucidly aware of my own mortality, and it fucking terrifies me.
It's cruel, isn't it? To spend so many years indifferent about my death - almost welcoming it as catharsis - to appreciating life and wanting it to last, while being brutally aware that it won't. As if true “happiness” can never be attained. As if we're all cursed with a happiness tax - the more grateful you are to be alive, the more grief you feel knowing it'll one day be over.
It got me thinking. Perhaps this says more about my journey than anything else. I've spent years working on myself, improving my life, seeking the strength to carry on, to the point where I am now so very frightened at its impermanence. If I'm this scared to die, then it must mean I value my life and find happiness within it.
This understanding of my own inevitable fate has driven me to return to university, to correct the course of my life, and to make the most of my time here while I can. But more importantly than that, I've begun to better appreciate those around me about whom I care so deeply. The people with whom I've grown stronger and happier, and built a life worth living.
They say home is where the heart is. My heart is in my relationships with my friends and family. My home is the people with whom I've formed experiences and memories that will stay with me for the rest of my life.
To me, this home matters. Now more than ever.