Denial

Dear friend

It's been almost 3 weeks. It feels just like before, but this time I have nothing to hold on to.

I seem to just destroy everything around me. I hurt the people I love, I jeopardise any chance of connection because I always make everything about myself. And here I am again - blogging about myself. I'm still doing it. And on top of that, I am fucking up my chances at university. I haven't attended in about 3 weeks, save for one day. I'm putting my grades at risk, I'm putting my student finance at risk, I'm putting my group project at risk.

This time isn't a “you need to work on yourself, things will be okay”. This time is so much more painful. This time, you've lost faith in me. If that isn't the ultimate way to say “I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed”, I don't know what is. What does it say about me when you all have this version of me in your head that resists growth and change? Does it mean that I'm simply not even worth caring about anymore?

To go from “I want and need you to change”, to “you have and will not change”, cuts so deeply. Those words are so much harsher than any fight or argument. To resign to “you are who you are, and there's little I can do about it”, when I know deep inside that I am trying. I am trying so fucking hard. I hate the way I'm perceived. Do you think I'm proud of the things I did? Do you think I actively seek out ways to undermine the people I love, to be as selfish as possible? I don't. Not intentionally. I know I've made mistakes, but I'm learning and trying to be better every day. Despite all of my behaviour… all I want, all I've ever wanted, is to show up for the people by my side. People I can love and support and help to become better versions of themselves. People who can love and support and help me to become a better version of myself.

But all I've ever done is push people away. I shut off the part of me that wants healthy friendships and turn into this disgusting monster that sets out to do the very thing I wanted to avoid. I've isolated myself from the people who matter so much to me, who matter the most. And I've done this so much that now you've had enough. I understand why. I know why you said the things you said. Those words were more humbling than anything else you could have ever said.

“You won't change.”

As if it's written in the stars, a sealed fate. As though I'm not capable of the same growth that everyone else has gone through. Could it really be that I have been in denial, all this time, about who I am and who I've been? That there are aspects of me that I don't see as flawed, and see no reason to fix? How can that be, when I fundamentally hate myself and everything that I am? What is happening to me? What am I?

I do not want this. I do not want to be… this. If I could flip a switch and be who I aspire to be - right now, this second - you would not recognise me. You wouldn't even say I'm the same person. There's nothing about myself I'd keep. I would be everything you believe I'm not. I would be there for you. I would be doing something different with my life. I would be living elsewhere. I would look in the mirror and see someone and something that I'm proud to be. Not this. Not who I am today.

I reject your premise. I can change. I am changing¹ and I will continue to change. I will become everything I'm not; someone I believe in.

Someone you can believe in too.