An answer?

Dear friend

I don't want to pile on the excuses. I'm not going to pretend like my actions were outside of my agency. But I find it critical to understand the why of my behaviour so that I can work on fixing it.

To that end, I think I've discovered why I've been so emotionally distant with you and everyone else. I had given excuse after excuse, reasons I won't be sharing in this post, thinking it was the answer to why I've been so terribly unempathetic and unsympathetic. Now? I'm not so sure. I think I know a huge contributing factor to why I've been this way lately (if it's not the reason, it's definitely one of the biggest).

About 4 years ago, I was put on mirtazapine to stop the crushing lows from getting to me. It also helped me sleep considering it's a drowsy medication. I've since had a few medication reviews where I neglected to mention something that has been bothering me - though I distinctly remember telling my therapist a couple of years ago. Mirtazapine, as helpful as it has been, is not good for me. It has dampened my emotional range. Okay, sure, it stopped the crushing lows, but it also stopped the ecstatic highs. It stopped me feeling much of anything, to be honest. For the past 4 years I feel as though I've been on autopilot; coasting through life and not really feeling things to the extent I used to. I felt this way two years ago and did not bring it up in my medication review - I believe that needs to change.

And actually, as it turns out, this is a listed side effect. It seems to be one I always had and - for whatever reason - ignored.

Seeing that written out hit me harder than I expected. I thought I was imagining things all this time. If “mood changes” and “feelings of not caring” were something I should have flagged to my doctor, maybe things could have played out differently. I wish I'd known.

I accept responsibility for my part in this. I should have mentioned to my doctor much sooner that mirtazapine affected my mood and - frankly - my ability to “care”, for lack of a better word. I obviously do care. But with a dampened and broken emotional response system, I failed to really feel things. I used to feel things so much more strongly, much more intensely, much more genuinely.

I should have spoken up the moment I noticed something was wrong, and I didn't. I was too scared of the crushing lows returning, that I'd relapse, and then I started uni and I didn't want to jeopardise THAT.

But seeing as things are kinda hopeless right now, I'm not sure what other path there is. I need a medication review as soon as possible. Maybe intensive therapy is what I need, not just… prescribed drugs. Maybe I need both. I really don't know, I don't know what lies ahead and I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I'll try and figure it out.