Dear friend
Motivation for change is a really difficult topic. I, myself, struggle to find a realistic balance between wanting to grow for myself, and wanting to grow for other people.
Perhaps it should come as no surprise, then, that I find myself today aligning somewhere in the middle. For so many years, I rejected change; nay, I rejected the premise that I even needed to change. Or perhaps it was more a fear of what it would mean for me - and, according to my not-so-clear judgement, my identity - were I to change.
I spent so many years ruining friendships, succumbing to a false pretence of growth. “I will do better, I will change, I will learn” - words that, in hindsight, feel so hollow. The issue stemmed, ultimately, from a failure to internalise and integrate what was simply an intellectual understanding at best. “I will change” does not mean anything when the person saying it has no actual desire for growth in the first place. That was me for a very long time.
It was an outcry, begging for redemption against the fear of being abandoned once again. The subtext was always “I will change, please stay. I will change so you don't have to leave.” I never understood that's what I was doing. Until recently. (Isn't therapy fun?)
Of course it was not to stick; the motivation was corrupt from the start. The moment I was shown any forgiveness, the “need to change” was - in my mind - erased. Why keep working to force people to stay when they've now decided to stay, right? To clarify, this is something I now understand I used to think - but crucially no longer do.
I'm here to tell you that I've found a solution that seems to register, with just the right amount of compromise between selfish and selfless, and that gives me a real thread to hold onto that isn't contingent on any one person forgiving me. The solution, of course, is to make it about the people in my life in general.
My motivation is no longer “I will change so that you will stay”, it is “I will change so that it is SAFE for you - and for everyone else that I love - to stay. I will change because if I don't, I will continue pushing more and more people away - which will leave me isolated, lonely, and depressed, and that is not an outcome I want for my life.” The motivation is both external (“I want you to feel safe existing in a friendship with me”) and internal ("I don't want to keep repeating unhealthy patterns and behaviours my entire life, it is simply not sustainable to keep being this way.")
“But”, I hear you interject, "the threat of loss is no stranger to you. Why did this not sink in before? What is so different this time?". A fair and pertinent question. It's true, I've made promises in the past and ultimately failed to keep them. I promised to change, I promised to grow, and didn't. My motivation was flawed at its core, and so growth never came. Your apprehension, given the circumstances, is valid and makes sense.
The difference now is that (thanks to therapy) I now know WHY these patterns kept emerging. I have been addressing the real root of my behaviour to understand where my abandonment fears come from, why I learned to react the way I did, and I'm slowly (albeit painfully) learning how to manage those fears and prevent them from being projected outwards. Nobody wants that. I don't want that. That's no friendship, and that's no way to live my life.
I will be honest though, I do hope - every day - that you return. I understand if space is something you need, and far be it from me to impose on that very basic and real human need. As much as I want to reach out and initiate repair, doing so requires asking myself “am I doing this for you, or am I doing it to soothe myself in a moment of doubt and fear?” - and although I don't necessarily know the answer all the time, I err on the side of caution and assume it's my insecurities being obnoxiously loud.
For now, at least, it is safer to under-step than over-step. This isn't an expectation I set or a request I behest, it's simply the truth of where I am right now. But alas…
I miss you.