Dear stranger
Why did that day hurt? I had years to process, overcome, and accept that you were not the person I hoped you could have been; the person you never were. And still I cried.
How ridiculous that I cried for a stranger such as yourself. How painful that you were supposed to be anything but.
I can't pretend to know why you did all the things you did, nor can I pretend like I made any real effort to find out. I choose to believe I saved myself from that. But is that really your legacy? Is that how you want to be remembered? That's how we'll remember you. Not as the person you hoped to be remembered for, but as the person you were… to us.
Perhaps then it's no surprise that I chose to disengage and sever ties with you. You were not who I thought you were, you were not who I needed you to be. In the most important years of my life, you simply failed. I stopped wishing that you'd fill the gap in my life and moved on without you. But one thing that kept eating away at me was a singular question that rotted away at my insides, constantly. What if?
What if you didn't do the things you did? Would I have harboured such profound resentment for the idea of you, written you off the way I did?
What if you were sorry? Would I have forgiven you for the lesser acts had you not done something so monumentally wrong?
What if you were there for me? Would I still be here questioning my worth had you been there to support me in the way I needed? Would you have saved me from myself and all the heartbreak I've endured?
What if you were still here? Would I be where I am, having accepted the choice that you were not a part of my life? Would I still be questioning everything bar this?
The truth is, I do not know. Now I'll never know. The day you left us felt… disconnected. The sky was clear, there were barely any clouds. The afternoon went on as I was with my best friend. The sun set, and the sky was magnificently beautiful - I beheld a canvas of watercolour suspended in the heavens. I always pictured days like this were to be filled with storm and rainfall, but that didn't happen. The universe cared not for my inner pain, it carried on - without you.
What an unfair juxtaposition. How can the weather be so cruel as to be peaceful and beautiful on a day filled with many tears and so much heartbreak? Perhaps the lesson I'm to take from this is that even in the darkest times, life has within it real beauty. Or perhaps it should serve as a reminder that even though you're gone, I'm to do as the universe does, and carry on as I have done all these years. You may have left us that day, but you left me so many years ago, and maybe that's the day over which I should grieve.
I hated you, and still I cried for you.
The day you walked out as I sat on the stairs, watching you walk out the door with a suitcase of your belongings, saying goodbye while being a scared and confused little kid.
What if you had stayed?