Closer

Dear friend

So I had my assessment the other day. The one I had long been awaiting, for 6 months, and for the first time in a long time - I have some good news to share.

First, I want to preface by apologising to you that I have not written lately. I have been motivated to do game dev lately, and I thoroughly enjoy it and have been taking advantage of this mindset. I have not felt this burst in a while. I decided to take a step back from trying to achieve over-ambitious games that I do not know how to create, and start over - pretend I am a beginner - build up a portfolio from scratch.

I made Pong in about 3 days. It's crude, and I was overscoping by wanting to add powerups and online multiplayer - but I was reeled back in by another. Telling me no - just make pong. So I did, and I finished it, and I am glad I did because I finally felt good creating something. Finishing something for once in my life. My next project is Pacman. I'm learning a metric ton about how Pacman works, and more goes into it than I ever realised. But this is part of the process. I am relishing the learning that comes with it - it is giving me useful tips and tricks that I can utilise in my own games some day.

So that's where I've been. I've been working - pouring all of my energy into one thing that I can truly, once again, call a passion of mine. But, this post is not about that. In this post, I want to tell you about my assessment. I am sure you'd like to hear about it. I would have written this sooner, but I've needed to allow myself time to process everything, and take in what was said to me.

At first I walked in to a room with a nurse, an on-site therapist, and a psychologist. I gave them that write-up I mentioned to you, where I outline basically my entire life story and how I've felt and how that's fluctuated like crazy over the years. They gave me hope, and they gave me a care plan, and for once - finally - I felt listened to. I felt heard. In that brief moment where I was weak and vulnerable, just be told that things were going to be okay by people who can help… It felt like, for once, my feelings mattered and that I was important.

I am sure you are dying to know what was said, so here goes:

1. They are going to review my medication

I've been on Mirtazapine for about 6 months straight now, and I don't feel it is helping at all. It helps me sleep, which - to be fair - was something I needed. It knocks me out pretty quickly, but it does not help my mood. It does not help solve the issues. It does not fix anything. So they are going to ask for a psychiatric review, and they may or may not end up prescribing me something… stronger. I'm unsure how I feel about this, but frankly I am willing to accept anything they give me in the hopes that it'll do something to alleviate the pain.

2. They are going to offer a psychiatric assessment

Something that I practically begged for. You, yourself, said I might be bipolar. Honestly, I don't know myself. All I know is, I just want answers. I want to give a name to the way I feel, so that I know that I am not alone in this. So I know that my feelings are recognised, and identified, and has a proven track record to help find the route to happiness.

They are going to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist, so that I can receive a proper assessment and likely a diagnosis of…. something. So… there's that.

3. They are offering me CAT

Cognitive Analytical Therapy. I'd never heard of this until that day. I asked if it was similar to CBT, and they said it's not quite the same. CBT focuses on behaviours, and how your brain responds to these behaviours. They say that CAT focuses more on interpersonal relationships - and they feel this is what I need. To help with abandonment fears, to know that people aren't going to leave me… if I just take a step back and stop pushing them away.

They're going to help me to recognise when my emotions are irrational, and understand that when someone doesn't want to talk to me in that moment, it doesn't mean they never want to talk to me. I don't really know how they're going to help me see that… I can't help how I feel.

But I'm willing to try. I'm willing to keep fighting, to be better than I was.

The only downside is, they said that the wait list for CAT is 2 years. And so… to help with the interim, they are going to do something else to help get through those 2 years:

4. They are assigning me an occupational therapist

The same therapist that was there, actually. She's going to be giving me sessions, though I have no idea what we'll cover or how that'll go. And frankly, I'm nervous about it. I have built up such a rapport with my current counsellor, opening up to a new one all over again is a terrifying thought. But… maybe it'll help. Maybe it'll make things easier. Or so I hope.

So that's it really. After everything, I can pretty safely say that I am a step closer to being a happy healthy person. I am a step closer to getting the help I desparately need, and the answers I desparately seek.

Things are starting to look up, I suppose.

I just wish I could share all this with you.